What's My Motivation?
by Kovukono
Summary: A bootleg video shot during one of the last few days of filming the original movie. Oneshot.


**A/N: An attempt at humor. A very poor, extremely bad attempt at humor. Enjoy the show! And now the legal stuff (damn the lawyers): The Lion King is copyrighted to Disney, as are Timon, Pumbaa, Simba, Scar, Nuka, Zira, Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed. Lawsuits for characters not found in the above statement can go to bot (at) fanfiction (dot) net. Reviews can be made in the magical purple box at the bottom.**

oOo

What's My Motivation?

_Static for a few seconds, then a camera flickers to life, showing four hooves_.

Timon's voice: Is it on now? _Camera tilts up to reveal Pumbaa's face_.

Pumbaa: Uhh, well, the red light's on.

Timon's voice: Perfect! _Timon's head appears in front of camera_. _We see him lick his hand and use it to smooth back his hair_.

Pumbaa: Are you sure you want to do this Timon? _Timon disappears behind camera again_.

Timon: Of course I'm sure! This film is a _masterpiece!_ And every masterpiece needs a documentary. Who better do document this than moi?

Guard: Hey! What are you doing with that camera? _Camera spins around, falling to the floor_. _ We see a black shoes appear in front of the camera_. I'll have to confiscate this. _We see camera turn and see Timon's chest in the picture_.

Timon: Hey, you can't just take that! What gives?

Guard: Sorry, just protocol. No unauthorized cameras. _We see Timon and Pumbaa begin to become smaller, or rather, the camera is moving away from them_. _They look at each other and follow the guard_.

Timon: What do you expect us to do? Hide explosive ribbon instead of film?

Guard: Look, I'm just doing my job. I'll just put it on this table and leave it here. You can pick it up after the filming. _Camera's view is lifted up and placed so we see Timon and Pumbaa standing in front of Pride Rock_. Sorry. That's the rules. _Sound of guard walking away_.

Pumbaa: Didn't I say that—

Timon: Don't even—just don't. _He turns around, gesturing to Pride Rock_. We have all this right here, and they won't see any of it. Do you call that fair? Do you call that right? Cause I don't. _Turns back to camera_. I mean, this little thing was made to— _Stops, looking at something below the lens_. Aha. _Aha_. And if we just move it a little to the left . . . _Timon grabs the camera, centering Pride Rock in the background_. Perfect. And no one is any the wiser.

Pumbaa: I don't think this is a good idea.

Timon: You don't think anything is a good idea. _We see him placing things around the camera_. And now it blends right in. Just wait and we'll have this done in no time. _Walks away from camera, Pumbaa following him_.

Pumbaa (_fading away_): Couldn't we get sued for this or something?

_We see the back part of the set of Pride Rock now, mainly the arena where Simba fought Scar, with multiple cameras set up to take it from several angles_. _Microphone poles are hovering above the set_. _Animals are rushing across the set, putting last minute touches on it, moving rocks to better angles, etc_.

Director: Okay, we're on in one minute! Positions! Clear the set and fire it up!

_All stage hands run hurriedly off the set_. _About five seconds after the last one leaves, we see Pride Rock catch fire_.

Director: Okay, big fight scene, take one! And go!

_We see Scar leap through the flames and run to the edge of the set, stopped by fire and the edge of the cliff on the other end_. _We see Simba jump through after him_. _He takes a step, then buries his face in his paw_.

Simba: Can I just—

Director: Cut! Cut! Look, we don't have time for this. We only have so much time here!

Simba: Can I just talk to you?

Director: All right. Everybody take five!

_Flames are suddenly cut off, and everyone leaves their position_._ Simba jumps down off set to walk next to the meercat that is the director_. _We see both of them walking towards the camera_.

Director: Okay, what is it?

Random Zebra: Hey boss, he wants to know if he can try out the flames again.

Director: Sure, just keep him out of my hair. _Simba and the Director have reached the table, are standing directly in front of the camera_. Now what is it?

Simba: This just doesn't feel right. I mean, the scene just feels wrong. I don't feel like the character belongs in it.

Director: Look, all you have to do is—

Random Gazelle: Fire in the hole!

_Simba and the Director hurriedly turn, letting us see the set between them_. _Flames engulf the set of Pride Rock in a huge fireball that lasts a few seconds_. _Simba and the Director duck_. _Flames die down_.

Nuka (_screaming fanatically_): BIGGER! What is it about the word BIGGER that you don't understand?!

Director: I'm gonna want to see his résumé again. _Turns to Simba_. Okay, what now?

Simba: I guess what I'm trying to say is . . . What's my motivation?

Director: What's your motivation? What's your motivation for what?

Simba: Well, do I really have to kill him?

Director: He's murdered your father, he sentenced you to death, he turned your home into a wasteland, he's beaten your mother, what more could you need?

Simba: So, I'm annoyed with him?

Director: You should be furious!

Simba: Well, it just doesn't seem right to me.

Director: Taka, come over here! _We see Scar come over to the camera_. He's having a problem getting mad at you. Do something.

Scar: What do you mean, do something?

Director: Get him mad, get him ticked, just get him able to be angry at you.

Scar: I've killed his father, what more could he want?

Simba: And did I know this father of mine well?

Director: Did you even read the script?

Simba: Well, not cover to cover . . .

Director: Just . . . just _try_ to hate him.

Simba: Do I have any dialogue?

Director: Look, you're going to kill him. You don't _need_ dialogue.

Simba: All I'm saying is, can't this script be a little better? I mean, if we just . . . _His voice dies down so we are unable to hear_. _He leans in close to the Director, gesturing at the script_. _Scar leans in as well_._ The Director and Scar occasionally nod their heads_. _In the background we see a rope shoot from one side of the camera to the other_. _We see Timon walking the tightrope behind Simba, Scar, and the Director while balancing plates on sticks_. _We see him go off screen, then come back on the tightrope wheeling Pumbaa in a wheelbarrow while Pumbaa is juggling eggs_. _We see him come back across again on a unicycle juggling flaming chainsaws_. _One falls, cutting the wheel and lighting it on fire_. _He peddles faster, and we here him scream after he gets off screen_. _Simba, Scar, and the Director carry on their conversation through all of this without notice_.

Director: Wow . . . That's actually not too bad of an idea. It's a lot better than that other guy. You know, that kid that came in with a hunk of metal in his mouth a couple of weeks ago. Some square from Phoenix or something like that. God, he had some horrible ideas.

Simba: So we keep the changes?

Director: Alright, we'll keep 'em.

_We see Scar looking offscreen nervously_.

Scar: I'd better go make those changes to my script. I think I left in my, um . . . yeah, over there.

_Scar walks hurriedly offscreen, the other way from where he was looking_. _Simba and the Director watch him for a couple of seconds, then shrug and turn back to each other_.

Director: Okay, you think you're ready?

_Several hyenas are questioning a stage hand_. _Stage hand points to Director_.

Simba: Yeah, I think so.

Director: Just a little faster this time, a little more urgent. Remember, you're—

_Hyenas come over to the Director_.

Hyena 1: (_Wearing a tie and accountant glasses_) Hey, we're looking for a (_checks clipboard_) Taka Scar. We were told that you might know where he is.

Director: Yeah, he's getting ready in the back. Why, what's the problem?

Hyena 1: We're from Pridelands Water, Light, and Power. Apparently Mr. Scar is several months behind on his bills. We just needed to inform him that if he did not pay soon, then we would have to take legal action.

Simba: I thought you guys usually just cut off the power without warning. It's normally pretty heartless.

Hyena 1: Oh, we do too have hearts. But you see, Mr. Scar here is just a special case. We knew he would be getting paid back soon, so we just decided to wait it out.

Simba (_unconvinced_): Uh-huh.

Director: Can't this wait? Look, we're shooting the last scene he's in. After that, he's all yours.

Hyena 1: Of course. We'll just wait right here.

Director: Yeah, help yourself to the food. _Turns to Simba_. You got it?

Simba: Yeah, I got it.

Random Zebra: Sir, we only have one hundred gallons of gas left.

Director: You hear that? Only one hundred gallons. We can only light this thing up one more time. So get it right. I knew we should have rigged it so we didn't have to light up the whole thing.

Simba: Are you sure that's safe? I mean, using gas.

Director: You aren't dead, are you? Alright, everyone back to the set! We shoot in two minutes!

Simba (to the director while walking away): Look, you said I could have my home back in one piece, but this fire thing . . .

Director: You said it was fireproof.

Simba: I said fire-_resistant_. There's a minor difference . . .

_Director and Simba walk toward set_. _Animals are scurrying about as they did before the first shooting_. _Hyenas move toward the camera, some taking things off it, some taking things from around it_. _We see their paws reappear with food_.

Hyena 2: I almost thought that was too easy.

Hyena 1: (_Taking off tie and glasses_) Don't worry. Remember, right after the scene, he's all ours.

Hyena 2: You know he doesn't have the money.

Hyena 1: (_Takes a bite out of an apple_) Well, that's what he gets for working with the mob. Man, I love this movie food.

Hyena 3: Yeah, he knows that if you're going to insult us, you had better have something to back those words up with.

_Two meerkat stage hands wander over to the table the camera is on_. _The first appears to be slightly drunk_.

Stage Hand 1: No, here's an even better idea. You know how you hate missing your TV shows, right? Okay, here's what you do. You take a flat piece of metal, and then, you put a flat piece of plastic in it, and then, you put ribbon in the plastic, and it records your TV shows! I'll call it . . . The TV Show Recorderizer. Yeah. No, wait, here's another one. You know how you hate having to drive through all that snow? Ok, here's what you do. You take a flat piece of metal, and you bend it and put it on the front of your car, and it pushes the snow out of the way! I'll call it . . . The De-Snowerizer. No wait, here's a better one—The De-Snowerizer. Yeah.

_Second Stage Hand looks over to the hyena's giving them the universal "crazy" sign_. _First stage hand turns around and sees the hyenas_.

Stage Hand 1: Oh, hey, it's you guys. Hey, I love your work. (_Steps forward drunkenly, and holds out his hand, then suddenly pulls it back_.) Hey, here's another one, just for you. You know how you hate these jerks trespassing in your house at that bad time? And have you ever realized how often that bad time comes up? I mean, it's like it's _always there_. I mean, it's almost like there never is a good time. Anywho, here's what you do. You take a flat piece of metal, and you roll it into little wires, and then you put a great big sparking wire in the metal wires, and you put it around your house, and when someone touches it, they go _bzzt_. I'll call it . . . The De-Hyenizer. Yeah.

Hyena 1: He did not just call us jerks.

Hyena 2: Uh, yeah he did.

Hyena 1: No, I _know_ he did not just say that.

Hyena 3: Sure sounded like it.

Hyena 1: Oh, no he did _not!_ Because, if he did, he's about to be dead in three seconds. Do you know who we are?

Stage Hand 1: Well, not you. But he's the guy (_points at a hyena_) who goes through my trash can at five a.m. every morning.

Hyena 4: I do not!

Stage Hand 1: It has to be you. Either that or your mother, because you are too _ugl_—

Stage Hand 2: (_Clamps a hand around first stage hand's mouth_) And on that note we'll be going. (_Begins to drag first stage hand off-screen_)

Director: Okay, we're on in five, four, three, two . . .

Hyena 1: You're lucky we have to go or I'd walk all up and down your furry little backside.

_Hyenas begin to walk casually toward the stage_. _We see Simba and Scar having their epic fight for Pride Rock_. _As in the movie, Scar is thrown off the rock and lands by Shenzi, Banzai and Ed_. _The hyenas from "PWLP" begin to circle around _

Scar: Ah, my friends.

Shenzi: Friends? I thought he said we were the _enemy!_

Banzai: Yeah, that's what I heard.

Shenzi and Banzai: Ed?

Ed: _Low, menacing laughter_.

_Scar sees the hyenas from "PWLP" circled around him and his face lights up with sudden terror_.

Scar: No. L-L-L-Le-Le-Le-Le-Let me explain. No. You don't understand. _No!_ I didn't mean for... No, no! Look, I m sorry I called you... No! _NOO!_

_All of the hyenas jump Scar, and he disappears under the pile_. _We hear him screaming and what sounds like bones breaking_. _The Director flinches as we see what looks like one of Scar's legs flying away from the pile_.

Director: Ooh. . . . Ohhh. Remind me not to forget my bills. (_To an assistant_) Hey, insurance covers this, right?

_We see Timon and Pumbaa shifting towards camera, working hard to not be noticed_.

Assistant: Should. I don't see why not. Why would we need to anyway?

Director: Yeah, good point, no one will miss him. (_We see Zira sobbing in the background_)

_Timon grabs the camera and begins to run with it_. _Begins to fumble with the side of the camera_.

Timon: See? What'd I tell you? Piece of—

_Camera image goes static_.


End file.
